That feeling

You know that feeling when you know something bad is about to happen and you get that lump in your throat? The same one you get when you're about to cry. You see, I really need to say something but there is no "nice" way of saying with I need to say. Something will  offend someone in the end. It always does. If I say what is really on my heart I will probably lose a friend. What my dilemma is, is asking if she was really my friend from the beginning, or just friendly competition.  Recently, this friendly competition is turning into a bloodbath words. There is no love or words of friendship! I know how it feels to be truly loved and how it feels to know when youre wanted. Right now I don't feel wanted or loved. I feel degraded and worth less than I'm actually  worth. You talk about people like they are are pieces of poop. Everything needs to be centered  around you and nothing can happen that you do not like. I am I humming to myself, what's so bad about that ? I do not like to be bossed around , that just makes you look like a bully. I thought I was doing a good job trying to keep this is just a float. But is this is a sinking ship worse then the Titanic . What's even worse is i do not even see any life boats around.

DISCLAIMER: I WROTE THIS ABOUT A MONTH AGO AND I NO LONGER HAVE SOME IF THESE FEELINGS. I THOUGHT THAT SOME OF THE LANGUAGE WAS POETIC THUS ME ACTUALLY POSTING IT.

What happens when I get bored

Crazy Place.egg on Aviary.

Yep, everything on there is my vocals. I could be my very own a capella group

Taste of Freedom to Make a Night Great

I just got back from an amazing night with an even more amazing friend and I think this has to be the BEST Saturday night I have ever had without being at camp. There were several factors that went into making tonight so great.


Factor #1 and possibly the biggest thing: I drove there by myself at night. This a big accomplishment for me since my license is just a week and a few days old. I loved having the freedom of just me and the road with Josh Ritter singing to me and only me. I had the freedom of going anywhere I chose to go. I did not have to go the way my dad or mom told me to go. I had the ability to get lost and I like the feeling of adventure. It was pure adrenaline.


 Factor #2: I was with my camp big sister. What more could I ask for? Colleen is one of the best people I have met through camp and I am so happy that she lives a short 25 minute ride from my house compared with the 1 and a half to 2 hours everyone else is away from me. She is a blessing and makes a great guacamole dip (see factor #5 )


Factor #3: Josh Ritter. I got to watch a 2 hour concert DVD of him playing a show in Ireland. Josh Ritter (aka Colleen's boyfriend) is everything a musician and guy should be. I can't wait to see him live and in concert with Colleen, because it's happening. It really is.


Factor #4: Tea! Everyone loves a good cup of tea especially with mixed with such an awesome combination of the things listed above. But the tea that was drunken tonight was not just any tea, it was African Redbush tea (Rooibos) and a berry blend tea. These teas bring back memories of sitting in the office on break and just relaxing or de-stressing from the worries of the day.


Factor #5: Homemade Guacamole. Enough said. :)

ABC's of Thankfulness

I'm thankful for..
Amazing friends who are there for me even when I think I don't want them there
Bubbly children who love to give me hugs every time they see me.
Cats who once were kitten in months not too long ago.
Dreams of my own and of those around me that will come true.
Every single laugh and tear of the past year.
Friendship that feels more like family.
Gardners and gardeners who make great things out of the tiniest of things.
Hours of time working with great people in a magical place.
Ice tea, the raspberry kind. Actually, any kind of tea.
Johnsonburg. Enough said.
Keeping my grades
Love that I give and receive.
Mix CDs both given and received.
New friends
Old friends
People who care for others just as much as they do themselves.
Quite the adventures I go on.
Ritter, Josh
Small miracles that happen every day
Texts that make me smile
Ukuleles
Veterans who defend the freedoms of our every day lives
Walking places, because its something I have the ability to do.
Xena worrier princess
You. yeah you reading this right now.
Zoos, zebras, and zany people.

Thankfulness and the Day about it.

Well.
Its here again
The day of thanks
Thanksgiving as most call it.

A day where family gathers
Mothers and daughters cook side by side
Sharing recipes passed down
from generation to generation
While generations gather around tables

Fall leaves, Parades, football games.
talking, laughing, reminiscing.
Photo book moments in the making.

Stuffing, mashed potatoes, green beans, biscuits
Yams, corn, cranberries, turnips
And a Turkey large enough to feed a village.

We gorge ourselves
till the buttons of our trousers
burst off in every which way.
... and we have not yet touched the pie

"falling to sleep with a chorus of staff singing allstar from smashmouth and being accompanied by a violin and a beatboxer. this is my soundtrack to summer :)"

Can I go back to this? A time when I thought nothing could really hurt me except that nasty fall from star tripping which I thought might be a concussion. When I was way too naive of my surroundings and I did not know your feelings. When I overthought everything I said to you. I miss this.

I just do not want die alone.

Is that too much to ask? I am losing hope and the fear is growing.

A poem from the Summer

All the minstrels and sonnets
of years past could not amount
to the beauty of this place
Right
Now.

The heavenly spirits dwell
among us throughout harder times.
She is here.
Right.
Now.
Even when all is going to shit
She is here.
Right.
Now.

Hugging my closely to her breast
as someone would hold a baby bird
fallen from its nest.
''I am here'' She whispers
with every pen stroke
''My voice calls to you,
'Be strong and fearless
like I have created you
in my image.'

'Make every step
a holy one
in the journey of life.'

'You are walking
on sacred ground."

I forgot about the high I gain after writing a poem.
It is pure divinity.

» Tell Me What I Wanna Hear ! | X_LOVEISLOST   (clipped to polyvore.com)

My new favorite band.

The Avett Brothers.


These guys are truly amazing artists. Their are so catchy, deep, and fantastic.


Here is some of their amazingness in link form:


I and Love and You
Makes me want to cry over a cup of tea.


Head Full of Doubt/ Road Full of Promise
Just and amazing song.


Kick Drum Heart
Makes me smile and bop my head to the music. 

The Cuddliest Eskimo

The Cuddliest Eskimo - a fairy-tale by Sarah Beth Schupner.
Once upon a time, there was a little Eskimo named Abigail, but everyone just called her Abi. She was a real spunky chick, always frolicking about in the snow, causing a ruckus and whatnot. She had a bestest friend named SB. SB was a little polar bear cub, and she loved to wreak havoc on the other Eskimos with Abi. One day, Abi and SB decided to play a little farther away than usual, in a place called the Valley of Ice. They knew it was a dangerous place not meant for little ones such as themselves, but they paid no mind to the warnings. Abi was walking along the edge of the valley when SLIP! her foot shot out from under her! She began quickly sliding down the valley's hill. SB tried to run and catch up to her, but her stubby little bear legs could only take her so far. Abi turned her head toward the bottom. HELP! HELP! THERE'S SHARP ICE AT THE BOTTOM! But she was too far, and SB could not reach her in time. Then, like lightning striking a pole in the middle of the tundra, a big white wolf zoomed past SB and grabbed Abi by the hood of her parka. It was Jon! The leader of the wolf pack that protected Abi's village! He swooped her up the valley's edge and brought her back up to safety. Then Abi, SB, and Jon all went back to the village, snuggled up in an igloo, and lived happily ever after. The end.

Starring:Abigail Gardner, Sarah Beth Schupner, and Jonathan Day.

When you are feeling down

 Emergency Bible Numbers

Why I Hate Reading Maps

I have unrolled a map

onto my kitchen table
and put one finger
where you are and
another where I am.

The space between
is only inches. That close,
I could feel you breathing.
I could reach out and
run my fingers through
every strand of your hair,
touch your lips and
barely need to move.

In the corner of the map
there is a guide for judging scale:
every inch a hundred miles
full of roads and rivers and trees,
the guide a sharp reminder
that you are where you are
and I am where I am,
inches apart.

by Gabriel Gadfly

Abstract.. I like it

Tim Neuhaus - As Life Found You from Grand Hotel van Cleef on Vimeo.

Interesting

Dozens of stars
lighting the path in the darkness
placing me in a place of peace
contemplative and relaxing
With each footstep
I grow closer to this feeling
but deep down
I know I was always in this place
            I am just recognizing it now.
Beautifully orchestrated
scenes from God's own mind
to my own.
Enlightening me with every move I make.
"I am here" She whispers
       "You are not alone in this darkness"
Bringing forth my emotion
The sadness
      The anguish
The happiness
      The laughter
Each part of the journey
The path was always  here
"I am glad you noticed it now"
With the stars of the sky
strewn across the floor
Her presence is here
And with every heavenly chorus imaginable
Her presence is overwhelming
and I am grateful.

And It Was Good by Courtney Smith

In the beginning of the summer, when God created staff training, there was a formless dream of what the summer would hold. The sun was shining, forest covered the face of the hills, and a warm breeze blew across the meadows.

Then God said, “Let there be camp”, and week one began. And God saw that camp was good, and God separated the community from the rest of the world. Friendship blossomed, and creativity flourished, and it was good. And there was Sunday afternoon, and there was Saturday morning, the first week.

And God said, “Let the brownies roam the land.” And it was so. They crept through the forest and climbed up the trees. And the campers clapped and sang and scared them away, and it was good. And there was Sunday afternoon, and there was Saturday morning, the second week.

And God said “Let the waters be gathered in one place, and let the hot sun dry up the land.” And it was so. And dips were held every night, and soda was stocked at Cedar Lodge, and the ice lolly trolley sailed through the camp. And God saw that it was good. And there was Sunday afternoon, and there was Saturday morning, the third week.

And God said, “Let there be lights in the sky to separate the day from the night.” And on Tuesday night, there came many great lights into camp. Staff guided them into lower village, and they took Daz away, but he was okay. And all was good. And there was Sunday afternoon, and there was Saturday morning, the fourth week.

And God said, “Let the cities bring forth swarms of campers and may they fill the villages and the High Points.” And so the children came from the cities and delighted in the camp. And the counselors sadly bade farewell to a few dear friends. God blessed them saying “Love one another, forgive mistakes, and wear as much denim as possible.” And there was Sunday afternoon, and there was Saturday morning, the fifth week.

And God said, “Let the earth bring forth living creatures of every kind: black bears and mosquitoes, alpacas and lice.” And it was so. And on Tuesday He said to the lice, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the camp.” And it was so. And the nurses checked everyone’s hair, and the staff’s hearts broke when everyone went home. But the camp was cleaned and was purged of the lice, and it was good. And there was Sunday afternoon, and there was Wednesday morning, the 6th week.

Thus, the summer was nearly finished in all its multitude. In the seventh week it rained in mourning and a cool breeze blew across the meadows. And on Saturday, the staff rested from all the work that they had done. And so God blessed the summer camp and hallowed it, because in it God saw all the beautiful work he had created. And it was good.

Fireflies

Fireflies lead the way
to a place only we know
Fireflies lead the way
to where you never go

To find me, would be a thing to see
Because we know it's somewhere
you never go

I've tried to call out to you
But you seem to never hear
Even though you are oh so near
Fireflies
Fireflies
Fireflies lead the way
Underneath the pale moonlight
I'll try not to hold my breath

Fireflies

Fireflies

Fireflies lead the way

To a place you never will go

-----

You and me
why can't we ever be
friends again?

I'm feeling the blame
But i know it's
not just me

It takes two to make a problem
and two to fix it as well

I can't do it alone
use the words that
I know you know
the ones that
once were sweet
but now have vanished
without a trace
and no way to get them back

Tell me the truth
Tell me what on your mind
Tell me what going on between the line
I'm deafened by the silence

But the thing is,
was there anything there anyway?

falling to sleep with a chorus of staff singing allstar from smashmouth and being accompanied by a violin and a beatboxer. this is my soundtrack to summer :)

And then I find this picture...

Really?

So I leaving for 9 weeks. I thought 9 weeks was a long time but apparently it isn't, because if it was I would think that people would recognize the fact i was leaving a but more seriously than a "have fun, don't kill yourself" attitude. I would expect this if I was going away for 2 weeks but not 9. 9 weeks is more than 2 months. Seriously? Maybe I'm just blowing this out of proportion but i would have thought that people would  want to speak to me and not just push it away or at the very least make the effort to see me. I wasn't expecting a parade, just a goodbye, But yep, I thought about it too much and now I'm sitting here venting these feeling, crying my bloody eyes out. I mean, so much can happen in that time. I could die in 9 weeks, God willing I won't though. But the point is still there and I am just feeling really sad about this whole thing. I truly feel that no one really loves me. My friend Julia gave me more of a goodbye and I'll be seeing her in 5 days. What the hell?

So... I'm a senior.

What do you exactly do as a senior other than fight with your whole class, and contract senioritis. I've done it all before and I do not see the big issue with being a senior right now. Senor year is the year to make these huge changes to my life.
Example 1: Applying to College
Example 2: Applying for Scholarships
Example 3: Balancing Everything so I don't have a melt down 2 months into the school year.
Example 4: Passing my road
Example 5: Visiting Colleges (that just happen to be where my friends are...)
Example 6: Accepting the changes that are coming up.

I am done

I hate being treated like a piece of crap.
I know I'm not.
I've been your perfect child for 16 years
I'm sick of it.
I'm not going to let you treat me like this
I don't want it
I hear the comments you make under your breath
I can hear everything

When I leave
I'm not looking back
I'm only looking forward
to what I can become.
I am so ready to leave.
Away from you
and all the yelling
at me
at whoever is around.
I am done.

You will find meaning where you give meaning
~Padraig O Tuama

My Countdowns in Code

4 days till I sleep under the most beautiful sky.
11 days till my brain turns to mush.
17 days till the climb.
24 days till CAKE!
25 days till two coins are in my pocket
31 days till, well, there is no code for going away for 9 weeks and missing your friends even though most will be with me. But it's the few who aren't who'll I'll miss the most.

A poem by someone

Don’t blame anyone, never complain of anyone or anything

Because basically you have made of your life what you wanted.

Accept the difficulties of edifying yourself

And the worth of starting to correct your character.

The triumph of the true man arises from the ashes of his mistakes.

Never complain of your loneliness or your luck.

Face it with courage and accept it.

Somehow, they are the result of your acts and

It shows that you’ll always win.

Don’t feel frustrated by your own failures;

Nor blame them on someone else.

Accept yourself now or you’ll go on justifying yourself like a child.

Remember that any time is good to start

And that no time is so good to give up.

Don’t forget that the cause of your present is your past,

As the cause of your future will be your present.

Learn from the brave, from the strong,

From those who don’t accept situations

From those who will live in spite of everything.

Think less of your problems and more of your worth.

Learn to arise from your pain,

And to be greater than the greatest of your obstacles.

Look at the mirror of yourself and you’ll be free and strong

And you’ll stop being a puppet of circumstances.

For you yourself are your destiny.

Wake up and stare at the sun in the mornings and breathe the sun of dawn.

You’re part of the strength of your life now,

Rise up, fight, walk, be sure and you’ll win in life.

Don’t ever think of ‘fate’

For fate is the excuse of failures.

Bridge Over Troubled Water

When you're weary; feeling small,

When tears are in your eyes,

I will dry them all;

I'm on your side oh when

times get rough,

And friends just can't be found.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down.

When you're down and out;

when you're on the street;

when evening falls so hard

I will comfort you.

I'll take your part

oh when darkness comes.

And pain is all around.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down.

Sail on silver girl;

sail on by.

Your time has come to shine.

All your dreams are on their way.

See how they shine.

Oh if you need a friend

I'm sailing right behind.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind.

I was introduced to this song not song long ago in the beginning of my

 sophomore year. It then became my first solo in the vocal ensemble I

 am apart of. However, it did not strike a chord with me until recently

 when the lyrics really had matched up with how I felt with some of 

my close and dear friends. I really would do just about anything for them. 

More specifically, the lyric "i'll take your part when darkness comes and 

pain is all around." I recently had a friend in the hospital and I thought, 

prayed, and cried so hard that week more than I think I have had in 

quite a while. I was so worried and I just wanted to take some of his 

pain away so he wasn't neck deep in it. I just killed me to see him so 

weak and fragile. Now it seems, that whenever I think about this song 

or hear it I tend to get a bit emotional. Not necessarily sad however 

most times it does spark that reaction, but also grateful that I know 

I have a friend who I care about that much. I will be their bridge over
troubled water.

...

Time is not the issue
the issure is underlying
our friendship
and s l o w l y
seeping out through the cracks
of my expressions and actions.

Sulking around
thinking
dissecting the problems
that are only in my mind.
I feel like all I do is wrong
and all I want to do
is do right.

It seems
i can no longer find my words
silenced by my own thought
where they are left
running rampant in my mind.

Why can't I speak my mind?

Especially
when I need to the most.
A writers block for  an author
a broken arm for an athlete
A mental laryngitis
overwhelming my throat

I am afraid
however
that this is all going to spill out
when its waters reach the tops of the flood barriers
flowing out from not only my mouth
but my eyes as well,

Poem 2 -Truest self

To thy self
Do not lie!
For thyself is waiting

HERE

not judging the actions of your past
Thy truest self is someone who you would love
and spend your life with.
Your eternal best friend
who if found
will stay with you
till the ends of the Earth.

Poem 1

Cool mornings,
and talks by the lake
Hiking trails
its beauty for you to take

It is strange how things change so fast
barren into blossoms
blossoms into flowers and leaves
the change gives mixed feelings
of mostly excitement and fear.

Never knowing how this place
will look the next time
my eyes grace this land

Now the buildings are empty shells
No life
Only dead carcasses of bugs
from the fading season

Soon these structures will be alive
teaming with life and laughter
card games and deep discussions

But for now,
it wait patiently
like me

Waiting for the summer
and the experiences that will follow
Oh how we both long for the life that is to come.
For the next 40 days and nights
we will
wait.

It comes in waves
Like sheets of rain
coming across the ocean.
I have no control over it
I think, and it happens
My best is not enough
to stop them from
streaming down my freckled face.

You think that you know yourself
but when things happen
it is as if you a stranger.
Not even know how
to cheer yourself up.
So many negative thoughts
only about yourself
regrets
problems
everything
pulling yourself apart
bit
by
bit.

Caught In the Rain

I decided to take a bike ride and stop by my church to pick up something today. The weather was nice and the rain had stopped making it look like it was clearing up. After I got what I needed from church I got back on my bike and headed for home. Now, the rest takes some good timing to accomplish. Well, as I was on my way home it stated to rain slightly then once I reached the end of my churches drive way and onto the street it was a torrential downpour. by the time I turned the block on my way home i could barely see out of my glasses and actually take them off and put them on my head. By this point I was soaked head to toe and it looked like someone had threw a bucket of water on me. As I turned once more to get to my street, the rain lightened up and by the time I was halfway down Bay Ave... it stopped. I walked into my house with puddles following me where I went.

So, in review when I left the church, it was not raining. When I got home it was not raining, but i was soaked throughly head to toe

A Different View

Flying at night is an experience all in itself. Sure in the sunlight you can see the details of towns and its surrounding area. But at night, you can only see the outlines of the neighborhoods and shopping malls. Everything else is a blank slate ready for you to imagine all that is below you. Wonders of what is in the darkness keeps your mind busy.
And once you are done fantasizing about the landscape below, you look up for a new show. Cup your hands around either side and look out the window to see the sky lit up just like the Earth below. It's almost as grand as the view you see from your tent at camp. A beautiful and brilliant sight. I would not have anyone miss in their lifetime Orion's belt and the Big Dipper staring you in the face, closer than you've ever been to them before. So if you're ever flying at night, try for a window seat for a different view.

Planes

Gliding over the Earth's surface
swift as an eagle's wing.
Inside it feels like
a casual stroll through the skies

But past the thick walls
you're speeding like a bullet
Past towns and cities
lakes and oceans
People are nonexistent
and buses are smaller than ants

I wonder if the people
thousands of feet below me
think I'm just a shooting star
and wish on me
Like the songs of yesteryear

Florida

In the morning
You bring a cool breeze
greeting me as i stumble
out into the new day

In the afternoon
You give a sun
the scorches my skin
burning me from the inside

In the evening
You chill all you set aflame
just mere hours ago
making me grab a sweater
to help keep me warm.

There is no winning with you.
A bipolar case
with no solution,
other than to embrace
And be thankful for what is given.

Vacation

When you're not thrilled with the idea of who is going on vacation with you before you leave, you definitely won't be thrilled when you are actually on vacation with them. Good God, what have I gotten myself into.

4-16-11

Stars

She stares down upon me as I gaze upon Her creation.
Beauteous and beastly wonders.

*written on 3-26-11, just never posted it.

Life is Like A Roller Coaster

Life is like a roller coaster. It starts off slow and everything is looking up until you get o the top of that crest and you see that you have a whole life ahead of you. Then suddenly everything goes down, you're heart and stomach are practically in your mouth and you're taking the first plunge in life. It feels like you are about to hit the ground at 100 miles per hour. But you don't. The tracks catch you and fling you back up into the air. After a certain point in life, it seems like it goes by so fast. There are many twists, turns, ups and downs in life but by the end when every thing starts to slow down, you're glad you took the leap and wish you could do it all over again. And finally, you're back where you started.

Ha, and I thought that being happy could last longer. i was wrong very wrong and i wish i wasn't. There is only so much bad you can push away and  stuff in your closet but even when you open that closet a little crack, all the stuff you pushed away will come tumbling on top of you, and you will be hurt, emotionally and sometimes even physically.

YAB meetings

I love going to YAB meetings... when they don't talk about youth. It is becoming apparent to me that every single time I am in attendance at a YAB meeting I find out all I am doing wrong as a "youth." And you know what, it sucks. It really does, and I am  the kind of person who tries to do everything right all the time. It is just how my mind works, I strive for the best and to be the best.  However, going to these meetings is like a slap on thew wrist and nights like these I actually come home and cry. I try so hard to be this model of a perfect citizen, student, child and friend, but tonight really shows me that I'm far from it.  Most times when they are talking about a certain topic I am almost positive that they, being the board, have no idea what this is really doing to me. I really haven't expressed my concern publicly or privately but have kept it condensed inside my mind. but tonight, because this has affected me to the point of tears, I just need to get it out there. And if no one reads this, its fine, I just needed to speak my mind somewhere. God, this sucks.

If only people understood me if I said this to them...

Dreams and Wishes

I always dreamed of dancing
like a perfectly poised ballerina.
A dream quickly shattered
by my two fumbling feet.

I always wished I could fly
above all things that were tied to the ground.
But I've tried to fly
and all I was granted was a broken arm.

I always dreamed of traveling the world
to exotic places, like Shanghi and Peru
But I found out you can't make it very far
with only mere change in your pocket and a dream in your head

I always wished of having a friend
One who I could talk to and they would understand
Sixteen years have passed like mere seconds
But somewhere in there, I found them.

Out of all my dreams and wishes
I'm glad my last one came true
The other ones, though they seemed great
were just fluff in the grand scheme of things

A friend will pick you back up
when you fall down from dancing.
They will help you paint clouds on your ceiling
so when you look up it seems like you're flying
A friend will take you on adventures
that are just around the corner.
A friend is everything you can wish for,
And i'm glad it came true.

doodles and little pieces, all about camp

Love blindfolds the pain.

Love, it warms me from the inside out.

Love overlooks the bad and brings forth the good.

It’s a camp kind of love.

Why would I do anything to be here (at camp)?

It’s because if it meant cleaning toilets for me to be here, then I will. If it means waking up at 2am to bring a child to the bathroom, hand me a flashlight and I’ll lead the way. There is nothing really bad about the job. At times it may look like it when you’re in doing it, but once you step back and see the big picture… it’s all worth it. Every scrape, every tear, every trip to the nurses because a kid threw up on you. It is all worth it in the end.

Camp is a magical place in itself. Add kids and staff, and you’ve got a party. Everywhere you look, there will always be a smile or a warm embrace waiting for you, and I’m not talking about the weather. J I have never smiled as much as I did that summer of LT’s. The whole summer experience was a blessing for me and I am honored to be chosen to spend this coming summer at such a holy place.

What do I need to be whole?

I have no idea
For i am young.
Love maybe
Love greater than
what I give.
Compassion
With a sense of
Attention
I give more than
I take
I refuse sometimes
But now I see
How that action
Hurts me

I long for a love
Greater than the community
Like a tree longing to be a book
It takes more than the tree
to make it happen.
To make me whole
I need more that
Just myself
I thought I caught it once
But it only slipped away
To soon to make a positive impact.
But when it slipped away
It took everything
that was temporarily given
And then some more.
I think I can never really be whole
Not until I find
What is lost.

If I truly want to be whole
I am going to have to go on a
Spiritual treasure hunt.
I need to find what was lost.

please note this is not a pity party for myself, just whats on my mind

I have no friends. I do, but at the same time I don't. I have people who i call my friends but they don't act the way i would think a friend would. sure each friend has their place i see them, but which of these friends will actually ask me to come over or hang out somewhere. everyone who i am closest with are the farthest away in distance or age. everyone is so far away from me i feel like i myself am slipping away. everything seems so grim and upsetting. i feel like no matter where i go or what i do, there is this darkness lurking behind me ready to grab me and pull me in. It makes me question everything about myself and then once i question and look for the answers to the question all that is there are negative answers. it gives me headaches and enough tears to flood half of this town. All there is, is negative because all the positive goes out with the praise i give other people. i am draining myslef of all things positive to give to other people, but there isn't an endless supply of happiness. i'm running on empty with nowhere to go to refill. i just want to curl up into a little ball and go to sleep for a long long time. I want to be like snow white waiting in that glass coffin waiting for someone to wake me up from the long sleep and introduce me to a world thats new and good. a place where i can accept praise and give it freely without everthing that's happening now to ever happen again. there is no one here who has what i need. so i'm going to just wait. I don't know what to do in the meantime. i don't think i can spend a minute left alone.

:(

You make me sad, very sad.

Well

Wasn't expecting tonight to be so bad. Youth group,'well, it downright sucked. The whole point of a youthgroup is the youth, am I right? Tonight was more let's see how long the advisors can talk before the kids get giddy. I'll I heard was the advisors and one of them saying "time out" whenever she wanted to speak. I literally wanted to walk out and not look back. It was the most awkwardly boring youthgroup I have ever been apart of. I was more afraid to speak as well because they are more judgmental then most others who usually run the group. They even had a 15 minute conversation about johnsonburg and I spoke 2 times and that was to comment on something that was said. I felt like if i said anymore than that one of them would have given me the " you can shut up now" look that i've gotten before when talking about jburg. I felt completely out of my comfort zone tonight and I did not like it one bit.

High - I won manhunt, Jburg being brought up in conversation.
Low - everything else

What to do

What do I do?
I see you hurt, but I do not know the cause.
I want to know the cause
I want to help heal.
I need the know the cause so I can help.
My heart is ripped from my chest when you hurt
Because when you hurt,
I hurt.
Your pain becomes my pain as well
I am feeling the pain
The words you say make me cry.
Not because you have hurt me
But because I know you cry when you say those words
I am there
For you.
I will drop my world to help you carry yours
It might be my downfall
In the end.
But I'll still be there for you
Just tell me whats up
And I'm there to help.

-_-

What my feelings of the weekend sum up as: I would have cut my right arm off to have gone to Johnsonburg this weekend.

An unsent poem/letter

“Damn it Abigail”

you say but,

I am not your child

You have no right to scold me

We might be bound by blood

But that gives you no right.

You don’t even live with me

You are a distant stranger in my life

I try and talk to you,

But you always refuse my company.

Why do you do such things?

What did I do to you?

Do I really deserve what you dish out?

Do you even realize, I am your sister?

I use to idolize you,

I just didn’t show it.

Maybe I was wrong in doing that

It feels too late to change how the future will end up

I really want you to be in my life

But I don’t want a person who tears me down

I want someone who will build me up.

And you just don’t do that.

Every time you speak to me

It’s always hurtful and I cry.

Choose your words carefully

You do not know if they we be the last between us.

I love you, but do you love me?

I miss you but you are too busy to see it

It hurts so much to know I have friends

 who would be there for me before you would

It really hurts.

Please do not leave me here

in a puddle of my tears.

I just don’t know what to do.

brick wall

The day started out well, just a tiny rough patch in the beginning, but all around today was a pretty good day. I got to see people i normally would not see, my wounds are healing, read a bunch of poetry, and i had a good amount of time to relax. And then i found out where the bad things of today are in a matter of 5 minutes. it was literally event, after event, after event that hit me like a brick wall. I would have been nice to have these events spread out evenly amongst the day so i could have time to recuperate between them, but no. So now i'm crying like a pathetic wimp of a person not knowing how i'm going to face this week without another breakdown. And   what is worse is that I feel that I can't talk to anyone about this in fear of them just saying "suck it up and move on." Sorry, but its not that simple and thats why i don't talk to you about my problems anymore. you're a bitch. This isn't looking good to me. Not good at all.

The Only Poem that was actually written down @ Jburg

Warm summer breezes fade
as we all went on our way
now I am back
in the same place i was then
But now things have
changed
It changed with the season

with different times
come different responsibilities
Everything has changed
I am no longer in charge of others
Only my own precious human life

They yell at me now
I am the child
They are the adults
Their words burn through me
like hot ash from an eruption
blistering my soul
causing me pain

I am too afraid to talk back
In fear
In fear of their next words
In fear of punishment

I only feel free to You, Lady
You are the one and only
If i have faith in you,
"whom shall I fear?"

I still do fear though.
I still shed tear from
       words spoken
anger shown
            voices raised
The simplest of phrases rip though me
like a million bullets.

God put me on this earth
She put me where I am
She put me in this family
She placed me in these situations
All for a purpose.
I do not know what it is just yet,
but what i know,
i'm growing and alive
i'm learning the land
i'm dealing with the troubles
i'm am strengthened my circumstances

She gave me the tools to accomplish these things
positivity.
encouragement.
intelligence.
faith.

But it gets hard.
when faith falters
and encouragement fails
when the well of intelligence looks dry
and all the positivity disappears.

I call places that i know are not my home
Home
If She wanted me there, i'd would have been placed there.
however, I wish I was there.
I wish I awoke to birds calling my name
breathed the cool mountain air
hold nature in my hands
instead, i'm just there to visit.
for now.

It Just Is

Time after time I return to this place
searching for what.
anything?
I think friendship
but i know it will never be there.

it may looks like it, but there are masks
from both sides.
i play the part of the caring friend
you play the friend who loves everyone
But i know
I know that i am lied to

i give and give
but all i get are broken plans
and tears behind closed doors.
you never see what is in front of you
never

so naive and blind.
you will never try to dig
underneath the surface.
you will never unmask
this character i play.
You do not care enough to do so.

I feel like i am growing up
faster than those around me.
I don't mind
at times
but i still have moments
heart breaking moments
when i realize
no one is there to catch me when i fall.

All i pray for is someone to be there
someone who will dig and unmask,
open the door and hand me a tissue.

I feel alone in a crowed room.
I feel judged by those
who at one time
meant the world to me.
now
I am afraid to open my mouth
in fear of being judged
silently and without warning.
Eyes glaring
hid behind the glare

And i remember a time
not so long ago
where these feelings were the same
I was ready to pack up
leave and never look back.
I didn't though
I was fed
-what now seems to me-
lies

Its like a drug
and i'm the addict
I want to get away
but i am too afraid to give it up
a fake companionship
is better than none.

I do not want to feel
Alone.
again.

And i pray:
Lady, oh lady
I prayed to you in that time
and I pray to you now.
Give me what i need
Strengthen me and my heart
Lend hope where it is needed

Send me something for the pain

tissues would be nice

and maybe an answer.

shall i stay,

or should i go.

but in the end.

i know i will never go

i do not have the will

or the courage.

I am as cowardly as the lion

unlike the great Alsan.

Mighty, Bold, 

and needed.

A while back I made a post that said this:

What do you do when the butterflies,

evolve into massive moths,

trying to rip their way out of your stomach?

It hurts."- December 18 2009

while searching through Tumblr I found this:

If I knew about this picture then I would have posted it because it is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. I am not part of the some people who have butterflies. I am the person who gets pterodactyls.

One small step for man and One giant leap for a teenage girl

So tonight I was Skyping with my friend Julia. She wanted to put up my song as her status so people could hear me sing. I am usually 100% not for that kind of thing because I am scared of what people will think. But tonight was different, I had courage and a friend backing me up. So i did it. I put my song, that was originally only on the blog, out into the world. so here is the youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JG_sRbd_Ezc  its also on my facebook page. This is a big step for me and my self confidence. Maybe i'll be putting more songs up soon.

Times like these make me want to just curse you off like theres no tomorrow.



and one of these days, i will.

what my mind sees

The harvest moon casted shadows of metal monsters that lurked on the sides of roads next to the remains of their last meals.

You better dig and take a good look inside yourself.

Hmmm

My eyes are on fire
from the water flowing down my cheeks.
Loosing my eyesight
one drop at a time.
I find comedy in this pain
by calling it 'me time'
I lock myself away
just to escape your apologies.
After so many,
they loose their meaning

so
I write
to find meaning
find the meaning
behind all the madness
find the meaning
behind the sadness
I write to clear the tears away
when tissues just won't do.

after a stanzas
or two
the heartbeat slows
the mind relaxes
the eyes are dry
pen against paper
is just as good as any drug

my head told my heart let love grow

But my heart told my head this time, no.

Quote [by me]

"I was born in the shadows to bring out the light"

This was said during a conversation with my mom about her feeling I was born to do something, big. &I was born during an eclipse hence the shadows.

Reset Button

Since when has life had a reset button? since about, 15 minutes ago. Now the reset button I'm talking about is not and actual button, nor does it physically reset anything. My reset button is the agreement between two, now new friends putting all past experiences behind them and starting from block 1. Although I know emotions never really go away just the knowledge of this reset has dulled some of the the emotions. Almost immediately the anxiety of talking to them was gone, like a weight was lifted of my back. I am eternally grateful for second chances and great friends.

I feel my heart in the back of my throat
whenever I say you name.
My brain turns into a lifeless mass
whenever I try and speak to you
I say to much without saying anything at all.

I never thought I would have to sensor what I say on my blog.

When I write, the masks become clear and you can see into the most true and honest parts of my being.

First Post of 2011

The first ever song that i am publishing on my blog. really bad quality but its there.