It Just Is

Time after time I return to this place
searching for what.
anything?
I think friendship
but i know it will never be there.

it may looks like it, but there are masks
from both sides.
i play the part of the caring friend
you play the friend who loves everyone
But i know
I know that i am lied to

i give and give
but all i get are broken plans
and tears behind closed doors.
you never see what is in front of you
never

so naive and blind.
you will never try to dig
underneath the surface.
you will never unmask
this character i play.
You do not care enough to do so.

I feel like i am growing up
faster than those around me.
I don't mind
at times
but i still have moments
heart breaking moments
when i realize
no one is there to catch me when i fall.

All i pray for is someone to be there
someone who will dig and unmask,
open the door and hand me a tissue.

I feel alone in a crowed room.
I feel judged by those
who at one time
meant the world to me.
now
I am afraid to open my mouth
in fear of being judged
silently and without warning.
Eyes glaring
hid behind the glare

And i remember a time
not so long ago
where these feelings were the same
I was ready to pack up
leave and never look back.
I didn't though
I was fed
-what now seems to me-
lies

Its like a drug
and i'm the addict
I want to get away
but i am too afraid to give it up
a fake companionship
is better than none.

I do not want to feel
Alone.
again.

And i pray:
Lady, oh lady
I prayed to you in that time
and I pray to you now.
Give me what i need
Strengthen me and my heart
Lend hope where it is needed

Send me something for the pain

tissues would be nice

and maybe an answer.

shall i stay,

or should i go.

but in the end.

i know i will never go

i do not have the will

or the courage.

I am as cowardly as the lion

unlike the great Alsan.

Mighty, Bold, 

and needed.

A while back I made a post that said this:

What do you do when the butterflies,

evolve into massive moths,

trying to rip their way out of your stomach?

It hurts."- December 18 2009

while searching through Tumblr I found this:

If I knew about this picture then I would have posted it because it is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. I am not part of the some people who have butterflies. I am the person who gets pterodactyls.

One small step for man and One giant leap for a teenage girl

So tonight I was Skyping with my friend Julia. She wanted to put up my song as her status so people could hear me sing. I am usually 100% not for that kind of thing because I am scared of what people will think. But tonight was different, I had courage and a friend backing me up. So i did it. I put my song, that was originally only on the blog, out into the world. so here is the youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JG_sRbd_Ezc  its also on my facebook page. This is a big step for me and my self confidence. Maybe i'll be putting more songs up soon.

Times like these make me want to just curse you off like theres no tomorrow.



and one of these days, i will.

what my mind sees

The harvest moon casted shadows of metal monsters that lurked on the sides of roads next to the remains of their last meals.

You better dig and take a good look inside yourself.

Hmmm

My eyes are on fire
from the water flowing down my cheeks.
Loosing my eyesight
one drop at a time.
I find comedy in this pain
by calling it 'me time'
I lock myself away
just to escape your apologies.
After so many,
they loose their meaning

so
I write
to find meaning
find the meaning
behind all the madness
find the meaning
behind the sadness
I write to clear the tears away
when tissues just won't do.

after a stanzas
or two
the heartbeat slows
the mind relaxes
the eyes are dry
pen against paper
is just as good as any drug

my head told my heart let love grow

But my heart told my head this time, no.

Quote [by me]

"I was born in the shadows to bring out the light"

This was said during a conversation with my mom about her feeling I was born to do something, big. &I was born during an eclipse hence the shadows.

Reset Button

Since when has life had a reset button? since about, 15 minutes ago. Now the reset button I'm talking about is not and actual button, nor does it physically reset anything. My reset button is the agreement between two, now new friends putting all past experiences behind them and starting from block 1. Although I know emotions never really go away just the knowledge of this reset has dulled some of the the emotions. Almost immediately the anxiety of talking to them was gone, like a weight was lifted of my back. I am eternally grateful for second chances and great friends.

I feel my heart in the back of my throat
whenever I say you name.
My brain turns into a lifeless mass
whenever I try and speak to you
I say to much without saying anything at all.

I never thought I would have to sensor what I say on my blog.

When I write, the masks become clear and you can see into the most true and honest parts of my being.

First Post of 2011

The first ever song that i am publishing on my blog. really bad quality but its there.