It Just Is

Time after time I return to this place
searching for what.
anything?
I think friendship
but i know it will never be there.

it may looks like it, but there are masks
from both sides.
i play the part of the caring friend
you play the friend who loves everyone
But i know
I know that i am lied to

i give and give
but all i get are broken plans
and tears behind closed doors.
you never see what is in front of you
never

so naive and blind.
you will never try to dig
underneath the surface.
you will never unmask
this character i play.
You do not care enough to do so.

I feel like i am growing up
faster than those around me.
I don't mind
at times
but i still have moments
heart breaking moments
when i realize
no one is there to catch me when i fall.

All i pray for is someone to be there
someone who will dig and unmask,
open the door and hand me a tissue.

I feel alone in a crowed room.
I feel judged by those
who at one time
meant the world to me.
now
I am afraid to open my mouth
in fear of being judged
silently and without warning.
Eyes glaring
hid behind the glare

And i remember a time
not so long ago
where these feelings were the same
I was ready to pack up
leave and never look back.
I didn't though
I was fed
-what now seems to me-
lies

Its like a drug
and i'm the addict
I want to get away
but i am too afraid to give it up
a fake companionship
is better than none.

I do not want to feel
Alone.
again.

And i pray:
Lady, oh lady
I prayed to you in that time
and I pray to you now.
Give me what i need
Strengthen me and my heart
Lend hope where it is needed

Send me something for the pain

tissues would be nice

and maybe an answer.

shall i stay,

or should i go.

but in the end.

i know i will never go

i do not have the will

or the courage.

I am as cowardly as the lion

unlike the great Alsan.

Mighty, Bold, 

and needed.