Well

Wasn't expecting tonight to be so bad. Youth group,'well, it downright sucked. The whole point of a youthgroup is the youth, am I right? Tonight was more let's see how long the advisors can talk before the kids get giddy. I'll I heard was the advisors and one of them saying "time out" whenever she wanted to speak. I literally wanted to walk out and not look back. It was the most awkwardly boring youthgroup I have ever been apart of. I was more afraid to speak as well because they are more judgmental then most others who usually run the group. They even had a 15 minute conversation about johnsonburg and I spoke 2 times and that was to comment on something that was said. I felt like if i said anymore than that one of them would have given me the " you can shut up now" look that i've gotten before when talking about jburg. I felt completely out of my comfort zone tonight and I did not like it one bit.

High - I won manhunt, Jburg being brought up in conversation.
Low - everything else

What to do

What do I do?
I see you hurt, but I do not know the cause.
I want to know the cause
I want to help heal.
I need the know the cause so I can help.
My heart is ripped from my chest when you hurt
Because when you hurt,
I hurt.
Your pain becomes my pain as well
I am feeling the pain
The words you say make me cry.
Not because you have hurt me
But because I know you cry when you say those words
I am there
For you.
I will drop my world to help you carry yours
It might be my downfall
In the end.
But I'll still be there for you
Just tell me whats up
And I'm there to help.

-_-

What my feelings of the weekend sum up as: I would have cut my right arm off to have gone to Johnsonburg this weekend.

An unsent poem/letter

“Damn it Abigail”

you say but,

I am not your child

You have no right to scold me

We might be bound by blood

But that gives you no right.

You don’t even live with me

You are a distant stranger in my life

I try and talk to you,

But you always refuse my company.

Why do you do such things?

What did I do to you?

Do I really deserve what you dish out?

Do you even realize, I am your sister?

I use to idolize you,

I just didn’t show it.

Maybe I was wrong in doing that

It feels too late to change how the future will end up

I really want you to be in my life

But I don’t want a person who tears me down

I want someone who will build me up.

And you just don’t do that.

Every time you speak to me

It’s always hurtful and I cry.

Choose your words carefully

You do not know if they we be the last between us.

I love you, but do you love me?

I miss you but you are too busy to see it

It hurts so much to know I have friends

 who would be there for me before you would

It really hurts.

Please do not leave me here

in a puddle of my tears.

I just don’t know what to do.

brick wall

The day started out well, just a tiny rough patch in the beginning, but all around today was a pretty good day. I got to see people i normally would not see, my wounds are healing, read a bunch of poetry, and i had a good amount of time to relax. And then i found out where the bad things of today are in a matter of 5 minutes. it was literally event, after event, after event that hit me like a brick wall. I would have been nice to have these events spread out evenly amongst the day so i could have time to recuperate between them, but no. So now i'm crying like a pathetic wimp of a person not knowing how i'm going to face this week without another breakdown. And   what is worse is that I feel that I can't talk to anyone about this in fear of them just saying "suck it up and move on." Sorry, but its not that simple and thats why i don't talk to you about my problems anymore. you're a bitch. This isn't looking good to me. Not good at all.

The Only Poem that was actually written down @ Jburg

Warm summer breezes fade
as we all went on our way
now I am back
in the same place i was then
But now things have
changed
It changed with the season

with different times
come different responsibilities
Everything has changed
I am no longer in charge of others
Only my own precious human life

They yell at me now
I am the child
They are the adults
Their words burn through me
like hot ash from an eruption
blistering my soul
causing me pain

I am too afraid to talk back
In fear
In fear of their next words
In fear of punishment

I only feel free to You, Lady
You are the one and only
If i have faith in you,
"whom shall I fear?"

I still do fear though.
I still shed tear from
       words spoken
anger shown
            voices raised
The simplest of phrases rip though me
like a million bullets.

God put me on this earth
She put me where I am
She put me in this family
She placed me in these situations
All for a purpose.
I do not know what it is just yet,
but what i know,
i'm growing and alive
i'm learning the land
i'm dealing with the troubles
i'm am strengthened my circumstances

She gave me the tools to accomplish these things
positivity.
encouragement.
intelligence.
faith.

But it gets hard.
when faith falters
and encouragement fails
when the well of intelligence looks dry
and all the positivity disappears.

I call places that i know are not my home
Home
If She wanted me there, i'd would have been placed there.
however, I wish I was there.
I wish I awoke to birds calling my name
breathed the cool mountain air
hold nature in my hands
instead, i'm just there to visit.
for now.