Heavy Soul

I was high once
Higher than the clouds
Now I carry a heavy soul
forcing me to the ground

But I still can look up

Give Thanks

2013 has been a roller coaster of emotion, but I'm learning to be thankful for every minute of it. It didn't start out too hot with getting a phone call three days after Christmas what ended my relationship with someone who I thought loved me. I am thankful for news that shapes who I am

The next month I received another call with bad news from my father; my grandmother was in the hospital and wasn't going to make it to tomorrow. She passed away 20 minutes before I got there to see her which has continually haunted me every day since, but I'm dealing. I am eternally thankful for my grandmother and my new found respect for my family.

In March I decided that Green Mountain College was not where I was meant to be and I transferred to Eastern Mennonite University in the fall. I am thankful for change.

In April, well, nothing monumental really happened in April. 

In May I got to experience working at a camp other than Johnsonburg for the first time, and it wouldn't be the last. I also began my first preseason working along side my big camp sister Colleen who I am continually blessed to know. She also made one of my dreams come true by taking me to my first Josh Ritter and being that cool wasn't enough and she pulled some magical strings with her new found friend Austin (guitarist for the Royal City Band) to get us passes to meet him and talk with him. I cried. It was amazing. I am thankful for Colleen.

June was a pretty cool month. I got to drive for 11 hours in one day hitting 6 different states and testing my ability to be up for 24 hours straight without a nap. The next week after that adventure I got to meet a really great guy from Wisconsin, Mike, and we became friends after talking underneath the cabana overhang during a thunderstorm. I am thankful for new beginnings

In July, I struggled with the change camp was going through, not really understanding what was happening scared me shitless. My emotions and patience for the summer staff were running thin, and I had not idea what I could possibly do to help which made me even more upset. At the end of July I truly contemplated quitting because I was so upset, but I couldn't because I was there for the kids not my fellow staff and my campers helped me be a better counselor. I am thankful for campers.

I spent a lot of time with my friend Ann in August because I was not sure how much longer I would have the convenience of being so close to her, Harry, and the kids. We baked a lot when I was out of unit week seven and she taught me so much about not only baking but also life. She is a great friend like that. During the staff meeting of week seven, I really can just remember the amount of tears that flooded the room when Harry announced that he did not get the job at Johnsonburg. Over the next couple of months I understood more and more of what happened which helped a little. I am thankful for Ann, Harry, their kids, Lorelei, and Kurt.

In September, my relationship with Mike continued to grow as we learned more and more about each other. Field hockey was in full swing and I had the opportunity to bond with a great group of ladies that I did not take advantage of as much as I should have. I did take advantage of the rock climbing course that was offered and was able to gain more experience in rock climbing (and also got some wicked awesome leg and arm muscles). I am thankful for my health.

October was the best month of the year in my opinion. I spent four days in Ohio with Mike where he asked me to be his girlfriend. Those four days were magical. We learned so much about each other and our emotions were confirmed when we told each other we loved each other. I am thankful for Mike.

And here we are at the end of November. I am high as a kite and I'm not on drugs. My sister and I are finally acting like civil human beings to each other and are acting more like good sisters than two people who don't talk to each other. I am thankful for my sister and my's relationship.

Chicago by Sufjan Stevens

I fell in love again
All things go, all things go
Drove to Chicago
All things know, all things know

We sold our clothes to the state
I don't mind, I don't mind
I made a lot of mistakes
In my mind, in my mind

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow

We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

I drove to New York
In a van with my friend
We slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind

I was in love with the place
In my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
In my mind, in my mind

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow

We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

If I was crying
In the van with my friend
It was for freedom
From myself and from the land

I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow

We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow

We had our mindset
(I made a lot of mistakes)
All things know, all things know
(I made a lot of mistakes)

You had to find it
(I made a lot of mistakes)
All things go, all things go
(I made a lot of mistakes)

_________________________________________
I am in love with song, seems like my life is mirrored in this song.

My Adventure for June 15th and 16

View Larger Map

Looks like a lot of driving but its barely even 13 hours!

The Breakdown:
5 hours from Camp to EMU
5.5 hours from EMU to Erin's House
2.5 hours from Erin's House to Camp

Seems legit.

My Personal Action Plan

This is actually an assignment for a final due today, May 3rd.

Ever since 2011 when I became a camp counselor, I have loved working with kids especially in relation to team building facilitation. I have practiced the skills I was trained to do in my first ropes facilitation workshop through many leadership roles at Camp Johnsonburg. I have helped lead a team building workshop in the fall of 2012 and constantly look for more ways to use my skills and to practice them so one day I might become a "master" leader. In the summer of 2012 I had a Ropes Director, Vinnie Westphal, who was an excellent leader and mentor to me. He is an exemplary example of what I would like to become as a ropes facilitation. He and I have similar characteristic in facilitation such as being a good listener, staying focuses, giving good directions, having an interest in what is going on, and competency. In regards to competency however, he has much more knowledge then I do. Skills and qualities that he has that I lack are having superb encouraging and motivational skills, making sure everyone knows his or her responsibilities, giving adequate feedback, and connecting with participants past the "I'm the facilitator you are the participant" level.  Even as I assess my skills and knowledge now, I still recognize I have a long road a head of me in become the facilitation I admire to be.

I have brainstormed several different ways in which I could gain and practice my skills for the future so I might grow in my experiences. The first of these is continuing with the Johnsonburg Presbyterian Camp and Conference Center as a facilitator. This place gives me the practice I need to continue growing and using the experiences I will gain from other places such as the Essentials of Challenge Course Technology class at GMC. Secondly, I would like to constantly expand my knowledge on the subject by completing a Level 1 certification through High5! once I have the funds to do so. Another way I will gain new ideas to facilitate is to read materials from people who do this for a living like Jim Cain. Seeing and going to one of his workshops at the American Camp Association was very beneficial by not only learning new activities I might be able to use, but also by examining the way he talked to the group and facilitated us during the workshop. Lastly, I would like to practice giving feedback to my peers so that one day where I am in a high leadership position, such as the Ropes director at my camp, I will be able to do it with as much grace, reflection, and help as Vinnie did in 2012.

Dear Stomach, Head, and Heart:

      PLEASE stop flipping out and hurting every time you think about summer. I realize that you have some extreme mixed emotions about it, but I need you to calm the fuck down. Nothing has happened yet and there are still 20 days until you even get there so chill. Stomach, you are not a gymnast so stop doing somersaults. Head, you also are not a Olympic runner so stop racing through non substantial thoughts. And finally, Heart, I know you are hurting from that break 4 months ago, but you need to just rest it, lift it up, and cool it down or else it really will not heal. 

                                           Love, 

                                            The Rest of Your Body

Live at Red Bull Arena

I sometimes get a little cloudy eyed when I am listening to the live recording of Dispatch at RedBull Area in Harrison, NJ. This is because I tend to think of all the amazing people in my life who were at that concert and the beautiful music that they played. I then think of how there were people at that concert that I had no idea who they were at the time of the concert but have made a large influence in my life since. I think it is absolutely fantastic to think that there is possibly someone who was at that concert that I have yet to meet and could be the largest part of my life in the future. This seemed to have already happened last summer when I met Pete. He was at the red bull concert and at that time I could have ran  him over and wouldn't have known who he was.  But now, I know this person more than I know some of my closest friends. Amazing how things work out.

This was just a rant. I miss camp people and all their love for dispatch.

Horribly Homesick.

I never thought that I would be one to be homesick, but I am right now more than ever- homesick. I'm not homesick for necessarily the structure of my house, but the people who live inside of it and around it. Basically, I am homesick for New Jersey: all of it.

I wrote a post about all the things I would miss when I went to Vermont around this time last year. Here are some highlights from the post.

"I will miss the smell of low tide.
I will miss the luxury of having the beach so close to me.
I will miss the aroma of late spring when you can just feel summer coming.
I will miss the lack of snow when it is most convenient.
I will miss lighthouses.
I will miss the smell of the rain because I know it's different anywhere else.
I will miss the "ugly" pitch pines that line the parkway and are virtually everywhere I look.
I will miss Wawas (oh SO much)
I will miss things I didn't think I'd miss probably. "

These are the things that have hit me the hardest in the "missing" department. To help with my homesickness I have decided to make a list of things I want to do when I am back in NJ.

1. I STILL need to see the sunrise over the ocean.
2. I want to go to the beach
3. I want to walk up the Barnegat lighthouse
4. I want to have tea/lunch at CoolBeans (I do this just about every time I am home- but that's why I like it)
5. I want to take a bike ride around town
6. I want to do some spring cleaning in my house on a sunny slightly breezy day.
7. I want to visit my high school.
8. I want to have a Mother-daughter day. Just me and my mama bear.
9. I want to have an awesome birthday.


-----Things I need to do----
- go to the doctors for my camp physical
- go to the dentist to get my permanent retainers.
- get my car fixed.
-----------------------------------

However, I am in a predicament. I come home late on Tuesday night (May 7th) and then am only home for 4 1/2 days until I have to go up to Lake George on Mothers day for a practicum for class(May 12th-17th). It seems I just have so much to do before I go to camp on the 20th of May for the summer (well there are a few days off in there.)

Well, there are only 14 more days until I come home and leave the Green Mountain State behind me for a long time. Is it sad that I am actually excited to not return for a while? Eh, that's life.

Ready for the End.

As of today, there are only 3 full weeks left in the semester until the end of finals. That also means that there are only 3 weeks for me to complete a long laundry list of assignments, 3 weeks left to spend with the friends I've made here at GMC, 3 weeks to pack up everything into my car, 3 weeks until I finish my freshman year of college. However, on the brighter side of things in about 3 weeks I will be on my way to Jersey, in 3 weeks I will no longer have the stress of school on my shoulders, in three weeks it will be my birthday and I get to spend the day with Julie and my family, in 3 weeks I will be starting a new chapter in my book of life. Now when I balance these two scenarios in my head, three weeks dosen't sound too bad.

I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends in such a short period of time.

I am Gonna Make it Through This Year if it Kills Me.

It's time for a change. Actually, it is time for a lot of changes.

Process

Their words come in waves
Anger
Sadness
Anxiety
They all hit me

Like a wave crashing to the shore
Or what is feels like more
A punch to a personal punching bag
A bag absent of sand and filled with pieces of me
All of me.

It is not their fault,
I let them beat to an emotional pulp
And all that is left
my shell of a heart barely beating

But it is still beating
I still hold on
because there is something to hold on too
Like an almost deflated balloon
I am constantly brought back to life

Her words of encouragement
Lift up my heart and dust off its edges
Even though our lives run in different directions
We always find the time
To sit down
and talk
I am fed by her words

and the tea helps too

Shells

The things you said have drained
 and are now empty shells
But I still keep them safe
 hidden in the back of my mind
Careful not to crush them
 any more than the first time
I am so afraid to loose them
 to loose the memories attached
As the ocean moves in closer and closer
 this sand castle is so close to washing into the see
We knew it would happen eventually
 but not right now to you and me
The mixes we shared
 pieces of our soul attached to each one
I wish you were still here
 but then again
 that wish is hallow too
 just like you.

Traffic Jam

My heart aches and creaks
As I lurch over the wheel in front of me
I can feel my pulse increasing
Too many thoughts are traveling
1000 miles and hour
down the highway of my mind
There is a traffic jam
between memories of her
and memories of him.
It starts to clear in the distance
but not before the drivers of these thoughts
have become angry and impatient.
They all want to go their own way
but the detours start to build
the frustrations start to multiply.
I want to get off this road
I want to go back
I want have the time I need
The time needed to go to these places.
Time I don't have
Time I will never have.

Self reminder.

I know I am loved. I am loved every hour of every day even though I don't feel it. But, I know I am loved. I realize that the affirmations of my peers are hollow and unfulfilling, that is why I constantly crave them. They do not fill the imaginary hole I have dug for these absent minded gestures. I need to realize that being left out from an activity by people who you call friends is non-exisitant. If they were your friends they would make an effort. Making the effort is how we build the relationships that will last for so long. I am done with pursuing false hope and expectations that I set for my 'friends' because they will never be fulfilled. ever.  Maybe it is just that is group of individuals is not the right fit for me, because I am feeling the blisters popping up from constantly being rubbed the wrong way and its causing me pain. So, I need to find a new place to fit in. A place that I can grow but still have protection. In this metaphor, camp is barefoot in a grassy meadow, free of constraint and it just feels damn good.

Setting Goals

Some goals seem reasonable: "I will eat a piece of fresh fruit a day"
Some, unreachable: "I will visit every country in a week"

I'm just trying to get healthy. But what really is healthy? What is MY healthy?

I think I'm going to define it as
1. Eating an array of fruits vegetables and grains (keeping it light on the dairy)
2. Exercising every other day for 2 hours
3. Completing assignments on time
4. Sleeping 8 hours a day. (some exceptions apply)
5. Being a healthy weight

I have high hopes for all of these.

Come at me 2013