I'm Falling

Weightless
Like a feather tossed about in the wind
I'm falling down.
At greater speeds than imagined
But at the same time
I feel slowed.

A soundless landscape
Blurs past my line of vision
Streaks of blues and greens collide
Painting abstract art
Fit for the finest gallery.

I'm waiting for the ground.
To rise up to me
To swallow me whole.
This sweet fall must end.
From such great heights
My landing pad is concrete.

I brace for impact
Not knowing
That's the frightening part
I am sure to shatter into a million pieces
Like my grandmother's vase
Crashing onto the marble floor.

I can feel the ground approaching
an unwanted guest
Waking me from the most beautiful dream
It's almost here
Muscles tensing.

5..4..3..2..
Five feet above the ground
Outstretched arms
Of love and understanding
Catches my fall.

Every ounce of my being
Clings to your chest
Feeling the warmth of your kindness
I'll never let you go
Never

A Post a Month... sounds like a realistic Goal

I feel like I have been neglecting my blog since I have arrived at Green Mountain. I think I will set a goal for at least 1 post a month talking about my trails and tribs of the month. Sounds like a goal i can actually achieve.

For only being 18

For only being 18 I am loved by a lot of people. I have realized this before but it really stuck me while I was back in New Jersey for the weekend.  It seemed that the past five days have just been a continuous flow of hello and hugs. I miss those hugs, I don't get much up here. I truly thrive off of these hugs that people give me. So I am back at college now, but I feel renewed by the warmth people have shown me this past weekend (also having a cup of Leslie's soup helped too! It was super yummy!). I am ready to take on the next part of the semester with a new outlook on why I am here and what my goals are. I'm excited :)

Images Poem

As rain drops fall from the heavens
my mind is pulled back to a warmer time
when the air was not as cold
& natural body heat was my enemy.
Now these layers of flannel & jean
protect me from namute,
but am I really protected?
Do these pieces ofcloth hide me
from this daunting place?
 Of course they don't
but I can hope that one day
there will me a rain jacket
that will stop the tears,
and sundresses that radiate summer

In a place so full of love, why do I feel so alone?

Backpack Backpack!

Well... this is it! I have successfully made it through high school and now it is time for my long awaited summer adventure! I don't have many goals other than to make friends and keep the ones I've made over the past year. I'm hoping that this summer brings me the happiness and joy that I've been waiting a while for.  Oh! and surprises! I am very excited for the surprises that await me when I get to camp. I like surprises! I'm just about done with my packing except for my book bag... this has been a week long struggle for me; should this go in there or that because if I put that in there this won't fit. There were so many things that i'd like to bring to camp but I thought that this year I'd keep it down to the bare minimum. So this is what I've got:
-my laptop
-my journal
-pens and pencils
-bandaids
-bandanas galore!
-a water bottle
-a watch
-a flashlight
-Chapstick
-sunglasses
-SUNSCREEN
-ALOE
-bugspray
-lighter

I'm quite excited to say that my backpack is just about ready to go to camp with me.
I'm quite excited to be going to camp
I'm quite excited for life
Happy Summer everyone who reads my blog! I love you all!

The 12 days of Summer

Looking at where I am standing right now in my life scares me. I am three days away from being done with high school, about to be full staff at camp all summer, and a couple months away from being a college freshman. I've been waiting for right now for a while but what did I think would be happening that I wished for these days to come so quickly? There are officially 12 days between now and the time I ship off to camp, but there are too many things that i would like to do in these 12 days.


1. Pack for camp and college
2. Have tea with great people
3. Watch sunrise over the Ocean
4. Learn my part for staff talent show
5. Transfer everything from my PC to my Mac
6. Do as much as I can with the youth of my church
7. Love every second of being at home
8. Love life even if things aren't the best over these next few days
9. Spend time with my parents
10. Go shopping at TJMaxx for everything
11. Go to the parks that are everywhere around me
12. Say Au revoir

Poems of the Past

The soft leaves that run through my finger tips
Bring me back to a place where the sun continually shines
and the wind whispers her silent lullaby.
A personal time machine powered by my memories
Of all the good times that have happened here
In time when the trees were naked
their foundation frozen beneath the moon
Beside the icy ballroom floor on which the geese danced
Gently you took my cold hand in yours
and under the pale full moonlit path
We were one if only for a moment

Spicy Night

A night that was long awaited
What I was sure to go down
In the history books of PAA
The biggest failure
A blemish alongside
the glorious shows and fundraisers.
With only five people
With four different grades to advertise to
With three hours of entertainment
With two magazines to sell
And only one night.
A surefire disaster.

Tonight is the night
the night that was long awaited
Tonight I am content.
With more than just five
but twenty five people
With four groups of people
who support the arts a lot.
With three hours of entertainment
that rocked the library down
With two magazines
that people loved to read
And one night
that proved to me
I can do it
I can lead people
I can organize

From the Broken Quilt

Each breath I take reminds me that you are not there for me.

No longer are you there to hold my hand when I am scared.

The memory of you here pains me to think about the times we shared. 

But we both knew it would not last forever. This has given me more strength  to go on.

It has showed me that with every raincloud there is a silver lining & that there is healing in the tears shed.

I've found more to life than you, even though I thought you were my everything, and I yours. Life goes on even through all the pain and the loneliness. I have tools better than you. 

Laughter
Friends
Family
Music
Camp
Love
Hugs
Summers
Beaches
Cuddling
Sharing stories
Star tripping
Life.

Things Get Better

There was a time
When I thought
This is it

This is all we are
ever going to be
Two people
With memories
That is all

I am gladly wrong
Wrong that we
would never talk again
Wrong that everything
Is set in the past
There is a future

A future that wouldn't
have been expected
Only a short while ago
But situations change
People change

The change has let me in
Has allowed you back in
We've both grown
Matured in a sense
That has let me tell you
What I can barely
Let the people closest know.
There is hope

There is hope for a friendship
To rise from these
stone cold ashes
Scattered around our feet
They no longer
burn under my feet.
They are there.

I can't help but wonder
What will come of this?
Will this bring us closer?
What am I looking for?
Am I looking for something?
Or just someone?
Time will tell. 

The Things I'll Miss

As much as I want a change of scenery, I know for sure that there are a couple things that I will miss about what lays before me now.
I will miss the wind coming off the ocean right before a storm.
I will miss the smell of low tide.
I will miss summer afternoons when seagulls are everywhere in the sky.
I will miss the foggy mornings that I hate driving in but I like the challenge of not seeing 20 ft in front of my face.
I will miss the luxury of having the beach so close to me.
I will miss the aroma of late spring when you can just feel summer coming. 
I will miss the lack of snow when it is most convenient.
I will miss the fact Ocean County closes their school when it only snows a couple of inches.
I will miss laying outside and thinking that I've been in this town since I was born and there are still new things I have yet to see.
I will miss lighthouses.
I will miss the smell of the rain because I know it's different anywhere else.
I will miss the "ugly" pitch pines that line the parkway and are virtually everywhere I look. 
I will miss Wawas (oh SO much)
I will miss how flat the ground is and how much harder it is to longboard here than anywhere else I know of.
I will miss things I didn't think I'd miss probably. 
Lacey Township (specifically Forked River) had been my home for almost 18 years now. I never realized how much of it all I took for granted until now. As much as I loathe the saying,  it stands true for just about everything. "You don't know what you got till it's gone" 

I forgot

I forgot that we actually
enjoy
talking to each other.
That I look forward
to seeing your name pop up.
That all the bullshit
was just temporary.

I forgot you
But you've come back
Into my life.
But it's a different you though.

You don't give me butterflies
You are a friend
That is it.
Nothing more
and I think
I like it better that way.
I know I do.

I give you more respect now
What you did was hard.
I now know it was
A good thing
That the absent face you had
It was the only way.

Yes. I was hurt
A couple people were.
But some things
Can't be done
without a little pain.

Sometimes Life...

Is a great ball of nasty that you just have to vomit up. I am so sick right now.  Brb dying.

I miss Camp.

3 out of the 5 weekends in march I was at camp. In April, I have been at camp for a total of 14 hours. I am going through some serious camp withdrawals and I now won't be back up till the end of May! What is this nonsense?! I need camp more than anything right now. Things in my life.could definitely be better than they are right now. I want to be surrounded by the love that only camp can bring.  But since I cannot be there this weekend, I am glad that I have some great friends here where I am to get me by.  I love you guys& I'm up for a tea time any time.

Time is Sometimes Irrelevant

How quickly and quietly emotions change. Very interesting. Some things should have been better off not said. Now I am in a hole and not sure how to go forth on my way to get out of it.

Oddest places

That moment when you find god while crying in a bathroom stall.

Really?!

Congratulation on having THE most passive aggressive statuses and posts that are obviously about me. There are a lot of four letter words I'd like to say to you, but that would just tear me down to your level. That is just not happening.

You might think some people are your friend but its when you purposely drift apart that shows their true colors.
And that is why I do not like talking to you very much anymore.

Footsteps of Our Fathers

How wonderful it is
to see a father
and a son.
Following right behind
His old man.
At times, wanting
to pass but fearing
the uncharted waters ahead.

They walk one by one
toward a common goal.
Step by step,
Foot by foor
he teaches son.

And when the time comes
and he can no longer
walk by his son's side,
he will rest and happily watch
As his son meets their goal.

The Beginning of the End

Your mouth is full of empty promises
words that have no meaning.
Do you see what you are making?
Do you see what you are destroying?
Blind when i need you to see most
Deaf when I want you to hear what I say

Back turned
you're headed for the door
I will not stop you
like the many times I did before

Our title is a lie.
We are not best friends.
No, I do not want to hang out with your best friend
No, I do not want to drive out to East Bumblefuck to see you
No, I will not partake in your agenda to propagate hate
Are you insane?

I look back on the times we spent
laughs we shared
but tears I shed.
I am just a placeholder
I always was.
Well this book is growing a spine
and turning to a new page.

Labyrinth poem 2

I've walked this path 100 times
But I hope for 100's more
To listen to the woodpecker peck
And feel the presence on Her shore

The breeze welcomes me to this place
For which I hope to stay
She makes me be and feel and hear
ALL he has to say.
I've strayed so far from the fount
That has given me so much strength

But now, I am back
Alive again.
hoping to forever remain
So ill listen once more
To the birds and their cries
As they more my leaving here
But I know I will return
Next time with different stories to tell.

Labyrinth poem 1

I sometimes with I were alone
Completely and utterly alone
Away from the noise
The bickering ...
Left only with the songs
of the crickets and the birds.

But more times than not,
As I listen to the leaves
Crinkle under my weight
I am happy with the company I keep.

Be Warned, Unfiltered Feelings Ahead

I just don't get it, but I do get it. Why I do not understand is the Why's of everything. Why can't I know? Why won't they tell me? Why am I being asked questions I do not know the answer to? This is what I do not get.
I perfectly know what confidentiality is and what its "Terms and Conditions" are. I do not need to be told, "I'd tell you but its confidential" seven hundred thousand times (I apologize for the dramatics in the previous statement. I was only actually told this about 5 to 7 times. But nonetheless it has still sent me into a angry frenzy of sorts)
 I feel like they think I cannot be trusted with information of whatever caliber it is. That I will judge this person differently if I am told. I'm neither of these things, that is not me. I thought by now that would be a fact and not just a thought. I care deeply about these people and to know there is something wrong and not knowing what it is hurts me, it really does.
 I want to help, but I can't help if I don't know what I am up against. It is like going into a battle without know the level of technology the others are fighting with. Swords don't go up against tanks and win. That just doesn't happen.
All I want, is something bigger than a sword. Big enough so I can take down that tank in the long run.

Other Side of the Fence

Since I can remember I've always been the one to put my heart out there. I have been to one to say "I know we are friends, but I'd like to be more if you feel that way too." I was the one whose heart ended up hurting in the long run. Always rejected never accepted. Never had I been the person to recieve that comment, that honor to have someone like me even though I may not like them back. Never, until now.

When you are aquaintences it doesn't hurt that much.
When you are friends its hurts but it is quite temporary
When you are best friends, you physically feel the pain as if you were the one being passed up.

 We are best friends and I could feel his heartbreak when I answered him with an unfavorable response. I've never thought so hard about what I would say to someone who, I think, is so close to me. I was physically shaking and feeling chest pains when I was answering. It felt as if my own heart were breaking.

Bigger Than This

There are problems in the world that are greater than my own.
But because these problems do not have a direct impact on my day to day life I put them aside; we all do this.
Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own problems so much that I am blind to things going on arounnd me.
However, I am a person who steps back and tries to see the bigger picture in everything I do.

Today I stepped back and looked at what was going on around me.
The issues of friends, family, and strangers that I can help with.
Their problems are much bigger than the issues I am facing.
I feel the need to push back my minuscule problems, that even yesterday were all I could think about, to help these people.
These friends who are my family.

Any Day

Rain dripping down the window
Mirror the tears that are dripping
Down my cheeks .
I thought by now
the pain would be gone,
just a scar
On this old soul.
Not a fresh scab
That is now pealing off painfully

I've listened to their advice
But nothing seems to help,
Help me heal.
I stopped trying to have
What I know I cannot have.

The pain is still so real
Thinking about it
Just releases more tears
I would love for the pain to stop,
But I know I would take the pain
Any day
If I knew I could have you back.

Healing Begins

Props to my good friend Kayla for showing me this song.

I needed to hear this.

Wading through the puddles of life

Life is sometimes like wading through puddles after a storm.
Before you step into it and break the surface,
you have no idea what is underneath.
The thing you thought were stable and permanent
Are mixed into surrounding waters
Changing the appearance of everything.
The water becomes murky ,
and it becomes hard to see the place where your foot was just standing
Or too deep and wets the cuff of your boot.
You feel the foot and wiggle your toes,
But you cannot see a thing.
How odd this feeling is.
To be continued. . .

Mended

Its brilliance engulfed the room
In a firestorm of color.
What beauty is this that once was broken
now is mended in a different way
to display such a wondrous scene.

Tears swell in my eyes.

The profound deepness
is created in the senses of the beholder
And I
I held this moment tight in my hands
white knuckles and fingernail prints in my palm.


Above is what i like to call artistic word vomit. Looks pretty and has meaning with the artist but make absolutely NO sense what so ever.

Helping

This is what hold my thoughts

the poetic words that cannot be spoken

Helping my make it through each day

giving me a place to release

everything that is

or is not.

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

Valentine's Day

It's a day filled with paper hearts and chocolate things
A day with dozens of roses and diamonds
A time for lovers & A time for friends
It's a time for new beginnings and ends

The idiocy of English IV when asked to describe today. I wrote a poem because that's just the type of day today is. Im not sad or anything like that. I am me just like every other day. Maybe a little numb to the things around me, but that seems to be the "norm" lately.

Skipping Stones

In times of trouble
skip stones
Let them bounce across
until they are ready to sink
deep below the surface

The lake offers renewal
A place to escape
Need not a worry sink deep
only skim the surface
until it is time to let it in

So take the time
to skip your stones
Let them sink
and leave you forever.

This poem was inspired by something Lorelei suggested I do after she heard about my situation. It is amazing how much she knows, like she can tell the woes of my heart. She can see past the facade and the layers of masks I put on just by looking at the pain in my eyes. I wonder if she knows what she means to me and the comfort that is behind the words, 'I'll be thinking about you this week.'

There's A Poem In That

There's a poem in that
Something I always say
To others whose lives
Are more interesting than my own.

Now it seems
I am saying the same thing
To myself.

Where in the masks
Are the poems of my life?
Between what two layers
Lie the unspoken truth?

It cries out for me
A sun's first light
Burning a hole through
The clouds into my heart

The truth lies in that
I wish so much for
you.
To still love me tenderly
To still hold me tightly
To still be there for me.

But in this moment
You are absent
Your body is a hollow cavern
Void of the feeling
I wish so much to be there.
You and I are both here
In this moment
All I need is for you to tell me
You don't love me
I needs those words
Like the water that runs deep
Restoring my life
to its previous condition.
I need them
Like I need you.
Till then, I shall keep
Fighting for you.

"Life Is Good. Camp Is Better: Bungee Chords"

From the top of the tallest pine tree at camp there are invisible bungee cords that stretch from the very tip of the tree to our hearts. 

Now, bungee cords are elastic; they’re not chains. That means they stretch. They allow us to leave camp and go out into the world at home, school, and work. 

But, bungee cords only stretch so far before they give you a little tug backwards. You can tell when your bungee cord is stretched too far. You might feel sad or lonely and need to remember the friendship, love and support of camp. You might be going through life without remembering the lessons you learned at camp. So when you stretch your bungee cords too much they give you a little tug to remind you what’s really important in life. 

Our invisible bungee cords can be tugged in many different ways. The tugs might be when you hear a camp song, remember a funny thing that happened at camp, see or hear from a camp friend, hear laughter, see a starry sky that reminds you of camp, or just feel the love and support of camp. 

A tug on your bungee cord can make many different things happen. Maybe your bungee cord will tug you all the way back to camp next year or maybe it will simply bring you a smile to brighten your day. However you stretch your bungee cord, remember that it will always tie your heart to the top of the tallest tree at camp and in turn tie your heart to everyone else’s heart forever.  


Origingal post on Tumblr by carleyanna2

Fighting Homesickness One Picture at a Time

I, along with most of summer staff, am homesick for camp in these (somewhat) cold  months of winter. To battle this horrible ailment I have decided to post a picture of camp or camp related picture every day on facebook. There are now only 134 day till the official start of staff training and I intend to post a different picture of camp every day. Now, I do not have 140 different pictures of camp on my computer, but what I do have is a camera. If this project works out, I will be taking pictures of camp every time I am able to be there. I am very excite for this and I would really like to follow it through.

"K"

I never thought i was one of those people who would get so peeved at the letter k. Sure, I like it when it is in a word or in the alphabet next to all its other letter friends. But when it is alone, I despise it. Throw it in a text message and this is the BEST way to end a conversation. I do not mean to be petty but seriously? Are you too busy to hit three or even two other buttons to make the actual word "okay"? I cannot believe I am upset by a letter right now. I feel so stupid, but what else is new.

I am complete.
- Ho

Fighting Tragedy with Comedy

My whole life I've never really had anything truly horrendous happen to me and I am thankful for that. What I do have are bad days and sometimes bad weeks. Today was one of those days. To combat my despair and what was thrown at me I whip out my greatest weapon. A positive outlook. Sure in the beginning it is my greatest mask, but if it is what keeps me together so be it. This is the time for me to be strong, to believe in myself and my endeavors. I need to be. This next week is going to be a big test to see how I can deal with all the shit life has to throw at me. Failing is not an option, it never is.

So this is what I say now: Bring it.

Still Throwing Sticks.

My tears are running a marathon
down my cheeks
trying to find the place
where your shoulder should be.

The silence is deafening
I long to hear your voice.
Even a day without you
kills a piece of my heart.

I don't have much of it left now
ever since I gave you most of it.
I hope you're keeping it safe
Because it seems I'm still
throwing sticks at the remains I have.

A million what if's pollute my mind
making me doubt all the truth
I know deep inside.
Help me know you are
still there for me
There to hold my hand the next time
our eyes meet again.

Composing for a Grade

I do not mind composing music. My problem comes when I have to be stuck in a box of rules and regluation to create this composition. I can see the creativity slipping through the chords only to be watterd dwn by Roman numerals and perfect authentic cadences. I really feel like just handing in a blank piece of paper saying that its a new contempory piece its called,  "My Mind After This Class." The teacher is not even here today to help and talk me off this ledge.

It'll all get better by the weekend. :)

A Hundred Miles Away

You fell asleep next to me
and I take in each breath you take
as you lay silently dreaming.
I wish I could know your dreams.
What is being created
in that beautiful mind of yours.
you are almost a hundred miles away
but tonight you feel inches away.
So close I can feel your warmth
and hear the deep breaths you take every so often.
I want nothing more than
for you to be next to me as we both dream.
Dreams that take us together
to a place neither of us are familiar with.

I type quietly,
for I want not to wake you
from this peaceful sleep.
I thought for a long time
how I no longer believed.
Believed I could write.
Believed I could find someone
as perfect as you.

New Love

As the snow falls
for the first time
A love starts to blossom
like a new flower
pushing its way up
through the layers of soil.
Reaching towards the sky
soaking up every ounce of the moment.

Everything is new
and the moon takes on
a new brillance.

The moon

Can we all just admire the moon beams that are coming off the moon tonight?

Just breathtaking.