doodles and little pieces, all about camp

Love blindfolds the pain.

Love, it warms me from the inside out.

Love overlooks the bad and brings forth the good.

It’s a camp kind of love.

Why would I do anything to be here (at camp)?

It’s because if it meant cleaning toilets for me to be here, then I will. If it means waking up at 2am to bring a child to the bathroom, hand me a flashlight and I’ll lead the way. There is nothing really bad about the job. At times it may look like it when you’re in doing it, but once you step back and see the big picture… it’s all worth it. Every scrape, every tear, every trip to the nurses because a kid threw up on you. It is all worth it in the end.

Camp is a magical place in itself. Add kids and staff, and you’ve got a party. Everywhere you look, there will always be a smile or a warm embrace waiting for you, and I’m not talking about the weather. J I have never smiled as much as I did that summer of LT’s. The whole summer experience was a blessing for me and I am honored to be chosen to spend this coming summer at such a holy place.

What do I need to be whole?

I have no idea
For i am young.
Love maybe
Love greater than
what I give.
Compassion
With a sense of
Attention
I give more than
I take
I refuse sometimes
But now I see
How that action
Hurts me

I long for a love
Greater than the community
Like a tree longing to be a book
It takes more than the tree
to make it happen.
To make me whole
I need more that
Just myself
I thought I caught it once
But it only slipped away
To soon to make a positive impact.
But when it slipped away
It took everything
that was temporarily given
And then some more.
I think I can never really be whole
Not until I find
What is lost.

If I truly want to be whole
I am going to have to go on a
Spiritual treasure hunt.
I need to find what was lost.

please note this is not a pity party for myself, just whats on my mind

I have no friends. I do, but at the same time I don't. I have people who i call my friends but they don't act the way i would think a friend would. sure each friend has their place i see them, but which of these friends will actually ask me to come over or hang out somewhere. everyone who i am closest with are the farthest away in distance or age. everyone is so far away from me i feel like i myself am slipping away. everything seems so grim and upsetting. i feel like no matter where i go or what i do, there is this darkness lurking behind me ready to grab me and pull me in. It makes me question everything about myself and then once i question and look for the answers to the question all that is there are negative answers. it gives me headaches and enough tears to flood half of this town. All there is, is negative because all the positive goes out with the praise i give other people. i am draining myslef of all things positive to give to other people, but there isn't an endless supply of happiness. i'm running on empty with nowhere to go to refill. i just want to curl up into a little ball and go to sleep for a long long time. I want to be like snow white waiting in that glass coffin waiting for someone to wake me up from the long sleep and introduce me to a world thats new and good. a place where i can accept praise and give it freely without everthing that's happening now to ever happen again. there is no one here who has what i need. so i'm going to just wait. I don't know what to do in the meantime. i don't think i can spend a minute left alone.

:(

You make me sad, very sad.